Technology And The Narcissist: How He Uses It To Control You.


Especially in the legal field- whether as a lawyer, private investigator or cop – we tend to run into quite a few narcissists. My personal theory for this above average exposure to narcissists is because we deal with people in raw moments, e.g., after an injurious accident, a horrendous crime, acrimonious divorce or other victimization.  Often, somewhere down the line in these incidents, someone with a powerful, controlling nature set into motion things that result unexpectedly and traumatically.  Those in the legal field today would be wise to investigate the newer forms of communication and location technology to determine how the victim is being controlled by their narcissist.

Narcissists are notorious control freaks. Their control tactics may be obvious or more subtle in nature.  The need for control arises from a feeling of being out of control in their own lives, therefore, the project this lack onto others.   They present as confident, charming, prideful of their appearance and move about with an air of superiority.  They project financial stability even as they file for bankruptcy.  Lying to them is as natural as telling the truth is to the rest of us and they simply must control others.

5 Ways Narcissists Try To Control People Through Technology: 

Via Your Cell Phone.  Technology is the narcissist’s best friend.   Narcissists view cell phones as a 24/7 tether to the subjects of their focus, whether a mate, partner, best friend, etc.   They want to talk to you when they want to, regardless of reasonableness and will call you. Repeatedly, until you answer, if necessary.   If calling fails, expect the texting to begin.   By the time a narcissist is texting you,  he is already angry that you weren’t there when he wanted to talk to you.  The texts will start off nicely enough and devolve very quickly to baseless accusations and hostility.  Conversely, a narcissist will use these same techniques against you to gain the upper hand – by not taking your calls, not responding to texts or answering in one word or equally terse responses.   They control you by instilling doubt – by making you worry about them and what they are doing or what you could have done wrong to warrant their silence.

Photoshop Used In Gaslighting.  From Wikipedia: Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.  Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. is a type of psychological abuse that denies the victim’s reality.

In our work, we’ve seen narcissists Photoshop evidence so convincingly that their victims believed the faked bank transactions, credit card charges, etc.   even when they knew that they hadn’t purchased a certain item.

WebCams.  By the time you realize how much of a control freak your narcissist is, your life will have been lived out in front of a webcam.  One  of the most used tools in a narcissist’s wheelhouse is your device’s camera.  What may first start out as a happy exchange of morning rituals (having virtual coffee together) to routine face to face “check-ins”, will evolve very quickly into your life being monitored every waking moment by this type person. And make no mistake – he will have made endless recordings of these visuals and play them over and over to obtain clues with which to manipulate you.  First you might get small hints about not being “made up” in the mornings. So, you change your behavior and appear picture perfect now for your morning check in.  Soon you will be afraid to look less than perfect for each video meet up.  Your clothing will be analyzed, every item on your desk, etc.  Creates low self-esteem and anxiety.

GPS:  When dealing with a narcissist, be prepared to have your GPS constantly reviewed.   Conversely, you may notice that there is never a location history after the narcissist uses the device.  He knows you might be curious, as anyone would be, and wants you to believe he is up to something. Creates self-doubt.

Tracking Apps:

Connect (This one is particularly a boon for the narcissist as it does not require the other person to have it installed or to accept an invitation from the app.)

From MarketWatch:  This app for iPhone or iPad can follow your husband, wife, children and even your friends on sites like Facebook Twitter , Instagram, Google Contacts and LinkedIn.  Most social contacts are jumbled and split up across multiple devices, platforms and apps, but this app collects them in one place, says Ryan Allis, chairman and co-founder of the app. “Your Connect map has hundreds of your friends on it the first time you use the app,” Allis says. Unlike similar apps like Foursquare, it doesn’t use virtual check-ins, which can prompt users to activate their location settings (many people don’t realize that when they turn on location settings on their phone, location information can be embedded in shared photographs and status updates too).

Finally, as more and more people turn to online dating to find a mate, they are listening less to their instincts and seeking instant relationships.  Life isn’t quick like that naturally.  Communication and location technology provides massive advancement for society – all members of society, not just the good ones.

Verify by eye.  Yours.

BNI Operatives; Situationally aware.

As always, stay safe.


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